i am still that girl
several days ago (long before the street exploded in front of chip's office) i found myself driving home from the pool with two sleeping girls, crying. and why was i crying? because i was imagining how sad i would be and how sad the girls and chip would be if i died. and then i imagined how sad the girls and i would be if chip died and cried more, and then if one of the girls died. . . really? was i really driving home, crying about these made-up scenarios? yes, yes i was. why do i do this to myself? why do i let myself get so upset about something completely imagined? i don't know why, but i have done it for as long as i can remember.
as a child i would stand by the window sobbing as i imagined my mother in a car accident, dying. i would cry myself to sleep imagining life if jeanie died, or dad or sarah, bobby, david. . . in fact, there was a good period of time where i don't think i ever went to bed without first crying about some fake death scenario running through my head. i thought i had gotten over that. i really thought i had progressed past this strange self-indulgence. . . nope.
so now i wonder, have i progressed at all over the last 28 years? if i played risk with sarah would i throw the board and its millions of pieces everywhere at the end of it, screaming that i would never play again? if i forgot about the soup i was making and it got scorched on the bottom of the pot would i stand by and let sarah get in trouble for it? if i wore jeanie's shirt without asking would i hide on my way home when i heard her voice, take the shirt off, shove it in my backpack and then insist that i went shirt-less to third grade that day? would i just try to stir up the cool whip a bunch to try to cover up the fact that i ate some without asking? would i let wonderful friends go just because of distance and time?
i'd like to think that i have evolved, that i've matured at least a little in life. but if tuesday's morbid imaginings are any indication, i haven't made it far up the evolutionary ladder. so, all my short-comings aside, thank you family and friends. thank you for the second chances, the love, and the over-looking of the fact that i might still be that girl. rest assured that at some point i will cry over your imagined death. sure, it might be an immature outlet for handling emotions i can't otherwise process, but let's just say that those emotions are my overflowing love and appreciation; my special tribute to you.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007 at 12:44PM
Reader Comments (8)
At the risk of sounding rather unbelievable-I have to tell you that I completely GET what you just wrote about. I drive an hour to work right now- so that's plenty of time to think and daydream to music- something I love doing. This morning I was listening to a sad and beautiful song and the saddest thought in the world popped in my head- my deepest fear (Ruby or Atticus getting kidnapped). anyways, there I am sitting in the car with tears on my face with just the thought of it. I always thought I had my issues from being exposed to the most awful things as a social worker, Mark thinks I'm crazy. But I think its just that my mind has always created completely elaborate daydreams or scenarios both wonderful and horrible that bring the related emotions to the surface. So...you're not in the least bit strange to me (:
Love,
Patria
When I was about 8, I employed a strange motivation tactic during swim practice. I would tell myself that if I didn't get to the other side of the pool under a certain time, my sister Emily would die. Or my brother. Or my other sisters, or my mom or dad.
Sometimes I wouldn't make it fast enough. I'd feel guilty for a few seconds and then push it out of my mind and pretend it never happened. And then probably conjure up another high-stakes scenario involving death for the next lap.
I don't recall why it was never me that would die.
That last comment was from me, Chip, not Katie.
So strange Katie, I do the same thing to myself once every couple of months. And it's usually while I am driving, oddly enough. And it always results in me crying. It used to be simple enough since I would just imagine either myself or Michael dying, but now that we have kids it's even more dramatic. weird.
I am still that girl too. I don't remember when or how it started, but I'm almost constantly imagining the bizarre accident-death of someone I love, or myself. Any kind of outdoor adventure that I engage in is riddled with my thoughts of "what if..." and the long, drawn-out scenarios of who would cry, what they would say, how we would go on, etc. But it happens with normal, everyday stuff, too. It is strange...and my husband didn't know this about me until after we were married. He finds it very odd, which it may very well be. But, it's nice to know that there are other people who do this same thing. :)
Chip - I chuckled at your high-stakes swim practice motivation technique. That's intense!!!
you're all freaks, I never think about that.
jk
I actually posted about a similar thought pattern just this morning. so I think we the normal ones and everyone else is heartless.
;-)
that's strange but really true like Buy Viagra for example...
Hi, listen, I'm pretty new on this blogosphere and Internet thing, so I don't know if there's a sort of "subscription" method that I can use in order to receive notifications of your new entries...in Viagra Online? Thing is I enjoy reading your blog a lot and I'd like to be up to date with your posts!