california, i'm comin' home
that joni mitchell song ran through my head and out of my mouth every time i was in the car and driving through the golden hills of my california last week. i lived all of my life in california and all but the first 8 months in the little town of placerville. it was my home. then i went to college in utah and hawaii, got married and moved to new york. while i was busy doing that my parents sold the house (along with all the dirt, bushes, trees, barbed wire and star thistle) that all of my childhood memories revolve around and moved away. i haven't been back to placerville for more than 12 hours in more than five years and i haven't come near my old house since a couple years before it stopped being home to porters.
but this trip things were different. this trip i had time to spend in my old hometown and time to drive the winding roads through the gorgeous golden hills i love. i had time to cry while i was doing it. maybe i cried because i missed it, or because i mourn the loss of the little girl i was when i lived there, maybe because i can no longer call those hills and roads mine or maybe just because of all the sweet memories they hold for me. or something else entirely. . . i'm not sure. but i cried and sang to my california and felt more at home driving through that country than i have in years.
and while i was driving i remembered that that little town with all its hills and oaks was my first love. the best kind of first love. the kind that helped me grow, slowly and gently. the first love that made me feel sure and capable and appreciated. the kind that now makes me teary because of all the sweet and young feelings that surface when i think of it. the love i would never want to reclaim because i have become someone new and so has it. but it will always be my first love and for that reason, i will love it forever and part of me will always be at home with it.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 06:03PM
Reader Comments (3)
seriously,
I teared up when you talked to me about it earlier today, and I am tearing up now.
oh- we all feel that way. while i am completely happy with my life now- it is still sad to be there and realize how much everything has changed. the town. the people. me.
awesome awesome awesome katie
ps- i still remember that girl. that little katie who was my friend on those long bus rides to school. and those play times at your house. what was the name of your road? wasn't it indian creek or something?
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