so long
new york can be a forbiddingly lonely place. and it is. at first. and then, almost magically, you find people who you like, then love, then before you are really even aware these one-time strangers have become more than just best friends, they've become a part of your family, a part of you. and life, despite all the new york struggles and stories and ridiculous circumstances, is great. this place becomes home with your family right down the block.
but then things change. people move away. far away. and you're left wondering how to even begin duct-taping over the gaping hole that has been left behind.
alysha flew away to her new home sunday night. and with her went all of my favorite brooklyn beans. we made a pact not to cry as we said goodbye. no eye-contact and a quick escape proved effective. but maybe it would have been better to just let myself sob because my mourning has been a little strange and drastic since they walked out the door. i started by eating all the remaining gummy hearts. then moved onto the praline spread followed by handfuls of chocolate chips. if we had ice cream in the house i would have eaten an entire quart as i stared at the wall. instead i laid down on the couch and slept for 30 minutes. when i woke up i decided to cut my hair. i hacked off four inches with pinking shears and eve's safety scissors. and now i just wish alysha was here to help me fix it.
life will no doubt right itself eventually. i'll figure out how to reconstruct my days, but i am still so sad to know that it will never be the same. because it was really really great with alysha down the street. it was great to laugh and shop, to count on her for knowing random songs and even more obscure scenes from movies most the world has never seen. it was great to be able to call her up and ask for favors and it was great to be counted on for giving favors in return. it was great to be able to cry about not getting a bag i really wanted and have alysha understand, despite the ridiculousness. it was great to confide and discuss and be comforted and just hang out. and, yes, it is better than great to know that almost all of this will continue happening for years and years to come, i'm just having a hard time accepting that it will be by phone and email and i-chat, not on each other's couches or a park bench while we watch our kids trip and play.
this is grossly self-indulgent. i am truly happy and excited for tom and alysha. i can't wait to hear about life with grandparents and aunts for luke, the mountains, a backyard and real-sized fridge. i can't wait to hear about all the adjustments and successes. and i can't wait to see them again, in person so we can pick up right where we left off in our conversation the day before, just like the family that we are.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008 at 07:59AM
Reader Comments (17)
Ahh Katie. Yeah that's all I got. That got me all wet in the eyes.
lovely post. made my heart hurt a little.
nyc is a special place with special people (and I don't mean retarded special!) your life with forever be better because of those friendships. good luck with the duct tape.
so, I started reading this last night but only got through a paragraph of it, trying so hard to keep our pact. I thought, tomorrow, I will be stronger. But instead, I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.
and wait, you cut your hair?
I felt like I was going to cry when I read your blog... and I don't even know Alysha, minus what you say about her and reading her blog that is linked to yours... PS, I'd like to second the statement.."wait, you but your hair?" I think we need to know more about that!
uhh- cut- not but your hair...
ohh Kate, I feel for you, and I am sad for you too. love you!
ugh! i sooooo know how that feels. being military i am constantly moving and leaving good friends behind. I know that empty feeling and you can get through it. some of our super close friends are in texas and south carolina, after we saw each other daily while living in alabama for 2 yrs. you will make it work and it will make those reunions even sweeter- hang in there love!
~bren
ohh, Katie, you are making me cry! You are such a good writer and capture so well all the feelings I have had when Erin, Anika, Brooke, and now Alysha skip out on us. it's SO painful. let's hang out.
leaving NY behind is also gut-wretchingly painful, as one defecter can attest. Alysha has you and your sisterhood to miss, plus all the wonderful things that NY, and only NY, has to offer. But, hey, try me sometime for that random lyric or movie line... and I can certainly empathize about a nice handbag just luxurious enough to be out of reach... And remember, soon there will be something else to fill the void-- even when it seems there just aren't enough chocolate chips in the world.
awwwww! I hope you feel better!
p.s. layering your hair can hide a bad cut. if your hair is shoulder length or longer, you can tie your hair up in a ponytail and by cutting it straight across, it'll layer when you let your pontytail out. And, the higher you tigh your ponytail, the longer the layers after u cut it.
oh, this is so sad! (and beautifully written) but it's also so heartwarming that you care for each other so much. i wish i had something wise and poignant to say, but i don't. i am just wishing you both the best and feeling sad for you.
p.s. you will still look cute no matter what your hair looks like!
I don't know why, but I've been thinking about you so much ever since you posted this the other day and I'm taking on some sort of sympathy pains for you. I'm really feeling for you. It's incredible how much distance can hurt.
But it's also funny b/c I've been wondering if I'll ever run into Alysha(who I don't know but already like just because she's your good friend) now that we live in the same city. If they need a good recommendation on a realtor (we just met an amazing one!) or anything else, send them our way, won't you?
In the meantime, show us a picture of that new 'do! Love you!
after meeting alysha i think utah will be cold and lonely for her without you guys. i hope she finds friends as great as you.
Yeah this post still makes me teary eyed. I don't understand why I'M so emotional about the break up. I can't read Alysha's blog or yours without getting all vaklempt (I have no idea how to spell that word). And yet I keep reading both, again and again for some inexplicably painful reason. All I can say is thanks Katie for loving Alysha (and her little Bean family) so much that it hurts you. I mean I hate that it hurts you (and I hate that it hurts her) but I love that you love her so much. I sincerely do. So, just, thank you. And ditto on wanting to see the hair cut.
i almost cried reading this, I so feel you girl! I totally know the feeling. i left my best friend in NY (westchester)and our goodbye was the same- we didn't look each other in the eye and pretended it wasn't a goodbye and it was super fast and emotionless cos we didn't want to cry. but we were both so sad for so long afterwards. and then we each try to make other friends and have to remember no one will ever replace this best friend and to not be diappointed with less than alysha friends. ;-)
Good friends are sometimes hard to come by. I know that I miss you a ton.
Oh and I tag you, go to my blog http://shimmymom.blogspot.com and see how to play.
This is EXACTLY how I felt when the Schill's moved. Bad news; it just isn't the same over the phone and in e-mails. It's good, but just not the same. Good news; when you do get together for visits, it really is as if you've never been apart, even for the kids. (oh, and we're totally planning on moving to Colorado in a few years to be near them again.